So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
