Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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