She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
