How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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