I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
