I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
