Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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