Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
