someone threw a dead crab at me
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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