they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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