Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
