i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
