You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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