the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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