Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
