i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
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He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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