Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
