i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
