My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
