The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
