I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
