I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
