i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
