I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
