He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
