I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
