i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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