Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
