i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
