I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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