to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
