if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
