News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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