The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
