I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
