I was born with a shot glass in my hand
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sobbing to NWA
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
