I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
