God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
