based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
