I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize