i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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