you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
