He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
