How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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