What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
