Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
