just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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