We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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