Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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