From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
