DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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