I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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