My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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