Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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